Sexual abuse can cause many issues, not just in your behaviours, but in your relationships, your sex life, the way you treat yourself, and even in your physical wellbeing. I masturbated a lot from that age and always felt pent up sexual frustration. And yet this might cause no long term issues for one person, but cause many long term issues for another. If you have zero budget, then yes, you can talk to your GP. The counsellor at school might be able to help you find someone, or, if you are at college yet, most colleges and universities now provide low-cost counselling for students. I still wonder if I’m exaggerating. I didn’t know what happened next but all I can remember is that I never went to his house to play again and I never see him again when I play outside. But on the other hand, what has stopped you bringing this up with your therapist? The thought of sex doesn’t exactly mortify me but it makes me extremly uncomfortable and I constantly make jokes and inuendos out of habit that I can’t help. If you are on a low budget, see if there is a charity in your country or area that helps young people with mental health. But all I remember is him touching my back and hugging me close when no one was around. In comparison to other Christian kids, I was educated, but not as nearly as much as I should have been. So the question we ask is, why WOULDN’T you bring this up? Hi there. I was terrified of even saying it’s a possibility. First of all, no, rape fantasies do not at all mean you enjoyed being abused. There is no therapist with the magical answer to ‘fix’ you. What I did know is that I was lonely, so incredibly lonely. As we say in all the other responses, unless we find a time machine, nobody can ‘know’ if they have been abused. That once a girl gets dirty, she remains dirty. I just don’t feel “part of the family” and have a very poor relationship with them. If someone could explain to me what a naughty chair is because recently in the last few months I don’t know why but when I see chairs I just end up asking if it’s my naughty chair and it upsets me. But what we DO know and can help is the symptoms and you have serious symptoms. I remember my sister convincing me to take the bottom part of this Ariel mermaid costume and “show myself to daddy” or something like that. On the other hand, he just looks/talks to me awkwardly. We’d suggest finding a counsellor you think you might be able to grow to trust, and who has experience in dealing with clients who have suffered abuse. And my aunt and uncle coming over that one time. I am in no doubt whilst I don’t have complete memories (remember the beginning of each incident the first touch but don’t remember it stopping them leaving). Because we are going to travel to the same place he with his family is going. Because sexual abuse is very talked about in our society, many people assume they were abused. The 16 Signs of Childhood Sexual Abuse. Take time alone to journal, to do things that you enjoy, be as kind to yourself as you can. Just wanted to share that. I do watch Law and Order: Special Victims Unit so maybe I’m making it up but I just don’t think so. Hi Terri, we are sorry you feel so worried and upset about this. We know it can seem scary to reach out and find a therapist, but none of this will seem surprising to a therapist, they will create a very safe, confidential, and non judgemental space for you to talk about it. POST EDITED FOR PRIVACY AND LENGTH I have so many doubts about whether anything happened to me and whether what I remember actually matters. Before my dad came down the stairs, my mom did say “we will talk about this later when we’re alone”. Feeling anxious and upset is enough symptoms to talk to someone. I am going to do whatever it takes to start to move beyond this. However my father has never showed any signs of being abusive, and I remember being bathed by him when I was young, and he never touched me sexually or in a threatening way. If you don’t have the budget look for a free support group in your area for those who have experienced abuse, or see if there is low cost counselling nearby. I felt like I was a terrible person and that I had caused what happened. I blocked all this out till now. Most of my childhood Is kinda of a blur but I remember being sexually abuse by my own cousin as a child and most of the time I though it was a game I guess I didn’t know any better. We wish you courage! It sounds like you are definitely suffering and really need support. With your trust issues don’t expect to trust or like a counsellor off the bat. I’ve kinda told my mom about this and she thinks I’m making it all up in my head but I don’t think I am….all these unusual effects I’ve been through growing up afterwards couldn’t be because of nothing….Right? I don’t know when the right time would be to have this discussion and I’m not sure if I even need to bring it up in order to have a stronger relationship. I really don’t remember my life before I was 15 and it’s scary. I thought something was odd about the things I get sexually stimulated over until I was 50 and I began having night tremors and would wake up with vivid memories of being sexually abused as a child. I would always feel ashamed and afraid of sex and especially men. I feel what happened to me, even if I cannot give clear details — even if I do not have a name to offer up to legitimize my abuse. All I know as an adult I feel like there’s something mentally wrong with me like I have these permanent walls put up, I dont know why but I can’t be close to people, the idea of hugging someone makes me feel uncomfortable but again I dont know why, I attach normal things like hugging, or tickling or even holding my child and bouncing her on my lap like its a sexual thing, when I do it, I immediately look around wondering if people are looking at me as if I’m doing something wrong or something I shouldn’t be doing even though it could me the most normal of things. You are incredibly self aware for someone who is only 18, and it’s wonderful you can realise this is not your fault and that you need support. As you’ll read in all the other posts, unless we have a time machine, we can’t know what happened. Please don’t judge yourself over the fantasies, they are actually a normal side effect of abuse. I can’t enjoy being with my husband. I don’t have any memory of being sexually abused, but since I was a kid I had nightmares of being harassed or abused. I answer yes to practically all of the questions above and have abused myself most of my life. We would point out, on the other hand, there is nothing ‘bad’ about having a high sex drive as a female, or finding porn fascinating. I can’t go to a psychologist because my mother won’t take me if i asked she would just start to ask questions and id have to tell her and I don’t trust the school counselor enough since im new at that school. I am a mother now to a 2 year old girl and I got baptised last year. I have gone through bouts of feeling extremely tearful for weeks on end ever since I was 16 and my levels of depression and anxiety go up and down all the time. Trust me I ask myself that every day and I’m still not sure I have the answer. It’s a lot to unravel alone. If you are in the UK, do call Childline if you ever feel very upset, it’s a free service for young people. We can’t jump to conclusions about being abused. How is it you know for certain his response would be so horrible? I have recently also been diagnosed with BPD. A good therapist can help you work through it, and you might find over time memories arise and you get more clarity. This is the first time I opened up about it. I was just a kid so I didn’t know anything about sex or child abusing. So boundary issues need to be seriously looked at. It is true — I do not know who hurt me, or how old I was at the time. There are many possibilities. Only recently have I remembered this and realised he was probably committing his crime at that point. I’m also dealing with depression and I am trying to figure out who I am. I leave the lounge into the office in order to go back to my room and my Dad is sat at the computer. before she got addicted to drugs, she had a lot of boyfriends. I ran out and went to our apartment. You seem to feel that any kind of sexual experience or desire is shameful and ‘bad’. Those gut feelings you have are likely for a great reason, they are a survival mechanism and trying to make you aware. But ultimately we can’t let that stop us from accepting we have issues and symptoms and upset that need our attention and care. In summary, be gentle with yourself around all this. I think that she downplays the situation as well, and it doesn’t help that I don’t remember a good amount of what happened. But then he started making comments about my body, and staring at me awkwardly. But when adults introduce sexual activity to children too early, it can be very confusing to a child. You later say “it wasn’t real abuse”. I have been experiencing most of the symptoms listed. most of them were physically abusive and obsessed with my mother. Mostly him staring at me or sitting in the dark interrogating me about the rape, which oddly enough was worse than the actual rape, which I only remember flashes of. There is no rush. Turning 14 is itself tough. I didn’t have any knowledge in the time. What is holding you back from discussing all this with your therapist? Not everyone is into sex or has had sex. I was upset that my first kiss was with someone who made me uncomfortable. So read about codependency and boundaries and see what comes up for you. With everything i have shared here The only thing i can figure is bad things happened to me. Years later, I am sure the taste was the same as that of male ejaculation – at the time I was, or at least thought I was, still a virgin and had no idea what the taste was, but the “dream” left me with mixed feelings as there was a kind of excitement at the sexual experience but it was like this sexual experience that I was having (in my dream) turned out an awful nightmare and very unpleasant. Most of us never know, and until a time machine is created, the best thing we can do is accept that we won’t ever know for sure. What if you think you might have been sexually abused by someone you love very much but you can’t remember so you don’t know for sure? You’ll see we always say the same thing – we don’t have time machines. Things like that episode of True Blood where Jason Stackhouse gets a priapism from ODing on vampire blood, give me a similar feeling (but not even close to as strongly because it’s not shown on screen). Do you have other symptoms of sexual abuse? Hi there. My stomach gets in knots like now just talking about it. Point out to them that many teens seek counselling, it’s pretty normal, and you are going to feel better, not to try to blame anyone. I guess I just need someone to tell me that it wasn’t my fault. Thanks to anyone who got to read this. i told her last night i saw him two summers ago bc he does construction and i haven’t seen him in awhile he called my name while i was walking down a hill and i froze.. honestly truly i looked at him and i was stuck. Consider a round of short-term CBT first to help you stabilise your thoughts and reactions. Go easy on yourself. And it might be in therapy there are many other ways your mother punished and mentally tortured you, but this is the one you remember the most as it left you the most ashamed because she shamed you over your very body. (sometimes..) Can I be quiet about it? I have intense fears of random people and places for reasons i don’t understand! It is a really good idea to find someone to talk to. If there’s any advice to be given, I’m open to listening. We can’t tell you an ‘answer’, as obviously it’s complex, as you are, and we don’t know you. When I was 7 I started second grade and in my class there was this girl in 5th grade who immediately wanted to be my friend. As for masturbation kids are sexual, some more than others, and exploration does happen, many children masturbate, that is not unusual but very normal (but parents are there to protect children from any adult acting sexually towards them, of course). I have fantasies about rape/child sexual abuse and I think that’s so sick but they won’t stop. I remember my parents saying the pastor wanted to talk to me and I walked over there by myself. If anyone could help bring into light whether or notsomething actually happened, it’d really help. Read our article for ideas on finding a low cost therapist here bit.ly/lowcosttherapy . Yeah well things change. Abuse leaves a deep and powerful unconscious belief that we are beyond help. I think I said that too quick for my mom to understand but she wasn’t still conecrened. My parents aren’t even alive anymore yet I feel if I try to talk I’ll be punished. His twin brother was my older brother’s best friend and our mothers were very close so naturally I was around at their house a lot. We do hope you reach out for some counselling. Perhaps your conservative background has given you a lot of shame about sex? I don’t know how long he’ll be in jail, but for now I am free. We wish you courage! I was 5 year old boy I got raped buy a guy and that was 1995 I recently found him on Facebook who did that to me I’ve never told anyone cos I was ashamed of it ,it has damage me as guy left me with to much anger it’s really hard to trust anyone but now I want my justice I’ve contacted to police There are other things. We’d put a quick mention of schema therapy in here- it focuses heavily on creating trust and safety in the therapist/client relationship. I also had sleep problems/fear of the dark. And it sounds like there is more than enough upset and confusion there for you to seek counselling over. The kids are both adults now and are on drugs and very sexually promiscuous ,they are very angry and seem to be out of touch with reality. I also associate children with sex more than is deemed acceptable and this has led me to wonder about it too. Or should i say excused the bad behaviour and been able to forget about until now. The sad thing is, unless we all had a time machine, we can never quite know. My mom wouldn’t even talk to me really about it . It’s been a big road block for a while and it’s making it really hard to function normally. I just hope one day the world will be this lovely place where no bad things happen. So give yourself some credit. Also when I lost my virginity, my first told me that he didn’t think I was a virgin. We hope the topic comes to the forefront soon. You will be doing this from a vulnerable place, and can put yourself at risk of attack, psychological manipulation, and emotional abuse. I thought of telling my mom many times. There were things that I did that I didn’t even want. But I am just not sure of whether it actually happened. I’m understand that you are unable to tell me whether or not I was sexually abused or not, but I’m just unsure off what to do… I guess I just wanted to know if this all sounds really crazy or if it’s something that could be worth bringing up with my therapist. But I remember, at 12 years old, being petrified that he would rape me, while not even really understanding what rape meant. A lot of signs point to something having happened that day, but it’s also possible that nothing did happen and I just can’t remember. We wish you courage. Yes, it’s a hard one. We ended up in a small dark room… something like a basement room… just a door. Abuse is a very sad, tragic thing that happens to far to many of us. They would tell me he was just hugging me and make me stay there. At no point was the idea that I was expressing genuine problems rather than distorted negative thoughts considered. I remember my sister hitting me and warning me to keep quiet about the place – i.e. You might also want to read our article on what to do if you feel you have been abused http://bit.ly/2zmdGQT. Can you help at all do you think? What should I do to get rid of these dreams. After he realized I wasn’t going to sleep with him, he had sex with my best friend. It’s about getting help for the symptoms. After the breakdown, I told him that I thought I had been raped by my father. I know that I actively avoided boys until I was a late teen Look for a counsellor or psychotherapist with experience with sexual abuse, and try to find someone you feel you can eventually trust and that you feel a click with. And the best thing to do now is seek support around that. So on one hand confusion and inappropriate boundaries between children is not unusual, particularly during puberty (if he was 15 to your 12, he was a child too). Or on looking at ways they do seem to know what they are doing, seem genuinely interested in helping, and are doing their best at their job. especially one i hated the most. When it’s hard. I have one memory of an old person giving candies to other kids to bring me to his store. I tried talking to my mom about it and she didn’t seem to want to believe me about. And while you can’t change the past, you can do your best to heal and have a future. I asked her today if she remembers anything about her childhood and she suspects of being molested too. But also, unless we or someone else had a time machine, there is nobody who can tell you if you were or weren’t raped. My childhood memories are close to zero and they are all bad. It sounds like you are really ashamed for being attracted and in love with him, and that he is really ashamed for being attracted and in love with you. I just don’t know. I feel like most of what I remember from this time of my life is from pictures. At age seventeen I started dating my first ever boyfriend (before that I was very scared of guys and thought maybe I was gay because of this fear). I also remember having a very high sex drive, before then, and after then. I remember even when I was in my early twenties, showering was difficult because I’d never allow my face to get wet. I literally do not have one single friend – most people think that is impossible and a lie, but I genuinely do not have a single friend on the entire planet. But glad you have been speaking to a counsellor. Has it affected him going forward in his life? First, blaming someone for something when we are in a vulnerable place can backfire and leave us more vulnerable. There might alternately be a counsellor at school, which you could look into, but you would need to feel comfortable talking to them. I’m just not comfortable enough to truly get to know them. I've been researching into the causes of these things and they all say likely causes are sexual abuse in early childhood. After I finished, he sat me on his lap and held me like a little girl. Thanks. Did you continue with it long enough to see results? for a while. Thanks again for the brave sharing, and we wish you courage. It makes you much more aware of your thinking, too, so that when are triggered you can go into self care mode before you find yourself in pieces. I’m in a loving committed relationship with a man, yet find myself very grossed out/afraid of/revolted by his genetalia, especially the thought of putting it in my mouth. I don't know if I'll ever find out, because I was so young. but this article sheds light on something I didn’t think was real, so thank you all for that. The more important question is, now do you feel about it now, as an adult? Notice present details. But finding a therapist you like and trust might be more important than the type of therapy, as evidently abuse leads to trust issues. Other times it arises from various forms of trauma that leave you feeling you have no rights. Your comments did not get deleted, we monitor all comments before posting due to the sensitive nature of the content and because sometimes people post things like threats when they aren’t feeling good, so we have to protect other readers. There are no saviours. He would barge into the bathroom as I was bathing, apparently to use the loo. Not sure if he even knows he has a FB page. But nothing more. But focussing on the symptoms of PTSD and what can be done to help you with them. The video made me feel really weird and I can’t sleep because I keep thinking someone is looking over me. Then I can feel angry and pressurised and used and like the relationship is damned and I just want to be by myself. And why always protecting my crotch when sleeping? i became a teenager and that dreamt was gone, replaced by somebody always chaising me, trying to hurt me, cut me, kill me, voices. I have nightmares about him in that bathroom, and I’m afraid of going to the restroom at school. But the best thing you can do, if you can be brave enough, is just to find the support to help you with symptoms and work with what you do know. I just want to know if these experiences indicate sexual abuse and if so, what can i do to be sure? Ch, Eating disorders are not going away 😔 so it's v, 😕 Have you used food to make you feel better? If you aren’t in the UK, google for a helpline for children, most countries have several. I want it to be known but not by anyone I know. It comes in all sorts of forms. As for the rest of it, we would just say that seeing porn as a child, an adult letting a child see porn, is itself enough of a line crossed to give you issues as an adult. We don’t know how old you are. Children are very curious about their bodies, many children play with themselves and rub and do all sorts, totally normal. Do you have someone to talk to you trust? Many of us will never know if we were or weren’t abused, unless someone creates a time machine. I’m afraid they’ll judge me. We would play ‘the game’ with my sister who was a year older also. Is what my stepbrother did considered sexual abuse? As a therapy company we could also not make any judgement calls about if someone was or wasn’t abused without knowing them really well and working with them, we can’t go on just a few comments. I have written lots of ‘jigsaw’ pieces down and now they are starting to make a picture. If you aren’t suffering any other symptoms then try not to judge or shame yourself as it’s really nothing to be ashamed of. I just am not sure if I got abused by my dad that young would it have an effect on me now at 13. I freaked out and somehow convinced them not to and nothing was happening. I won’t get help from anywhere. I remember being taught how to kiss a boy in my class who would also touch my bum sometimes when I was 8 or 7 and watching porn with a family friend who was a year older than me. i came online to search for signs your great grandfather stuck his penis into your mouth at an age too early to remember….i am thinking this must be a very common thing or at least in the old days before birth control…as the opening of a baby crying for its mom is exactly a warm inviting spot for an old man who had a very controlling wife and not allowed to have sex during his lifetime much on his own terms…i have only symptoms which i could lay out for you here but i dont want to waste the time I need to find information which talks about this…must be a very common thing that has happened to young toddlers when left alone at grandma or great grandma’s …am i right? Temper has gotten worse, and I get really mad and just hit my bottom... That at a young age wasn’t that deep and powerful unconscious belief we. 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